The World Needs Bullies

For the last two years or so there has been an active campaign to end bullying amongst adolescents. On the surface it appears like an admirable goal. I believe the end of bullying will be catastrophic on a scale no one anticipated.

There will come a time in the next 15 to 20 years when our society will go right down the crapper and our economy will follow. The children of today have been raised without adversity and as a result, do not have the mental tools to handle it when it appears.

Our children, mine included, don’t know what to do when someone is not nice to them. Names are called, tears are shed, and someone gets in trouble. But not only is this behavior normal for children, it’s healthy and a part of psychological development.

Soon, adults running our country will not know how to deal with a nation that is not friendly to ours. I guess they will cry to the United Nations since they cried to a teacher when they were younger, instead of confronting the bully on their own. One day your child will be at work as someone is going to eat their lunch out of the break room and they will go hungry, instead of dealing with the situation maturely with the tools they learned as a child.

In a similar vein, children today have no idea whether they have completed a task successfully or not, all because many schools have done away with failing grades. Competition will soon suffer when there aren’t any losers in sports. Everyone wins in soccer but that isn’t how it works in real life.

I’ve done an unscientific study of the people I work with. I work with one person and she doesn’t have kids so her opinions don’t count. The findings of my study are as follows:

Kids need to fall down. The need to know that concrete is hard. Metal can be sharp. Corners too. Children have to learn the boundaries of what their little bodies can handle and have respect for the dangers of their environment.

Kids need to have their feelings hurt. They have to be called names and be pushed down. It’s painful to hear about. I’d like to drop kick a kid in the throat when they are mean to my daughter. But there isn’t always someone around to fight their battles for them; eventually they will have to deal with it on their own. If parents really want to help, give the child the tools to mentally deal with bad names and people that don’t like them. Be involved with your child. Teach them. And then get the hell out of the way.

Kids need to get dirty. They need to be exposed to germs and bacteria to build resistance to their environment. They need to eat the cookie they just dropped on the ground. They need to sneeze and then go play on the monkey bars at school. Now is the time of their life where they build their immunities. More exposure now means fewer sick days later. That’s why they are immunized as a baby, so they don’t get measles down the road. The abundance of hand sanitizer is creating more resilient bacteria that normal antibiotics do not cure. So let you kid get dirty. You can do this at home. With dirt.

Kids should believe in a higher power. Church, whether they truly believe or not, is a great place to learn values and about self worth. When children worship they learn that there is something greater than themselves. They learn that it’s not always about them and about service to others. “The last will be first and the first will be last ” Mathew 20:16.

Most of all, kids need their parents. Both a mother and a father if possible. Kids need a parent to show up. Half of anything is showing up. And today a lot of parents unload their kids at the curb and let the school raise their child. Low test scores? The teacher must be doing something wrong (sarcasm). Maybe the kid could read better if mom would get off Facebook and read a book to the child. Maybe Junior could do some math if dad would stop playing video games and running with the ‘bros.

Stop texting, and sharing, and reposting, and tweeting, and pinning and talk with your kids! My god, we are losing the basic form of communication by exploring new technologies to communicate. Billions of dollars are spent every year on the next new way to arrange 1’s and 0’s. More can be said with a smile, a hug, or pat on the back than any ‘like’, tweet, or text message.

What this world will look like in 15 to 20 years isn’t going to be our kid’s fault.

Under Compensating

They say everything is bigger in Texas and to some extent that’s true.

But is bigger always better? As a Native Texan and speaking about Texas the only answer is ‘Hell Yes!’

Ok, but what about everything else? If you can’t think for yourself and if marketing really works (it does) then we are swayed to the next BIG thing.

Bigger televisions

Bigger cars, trucks, tires.

Bigger guns.

Bigger houses.

There are even pills that make, ahem…things bigger if you take them. Plastic surgery has made its name on making things bigger.

However, when a man buys a big truck or car, especially if he is shorter than most men, he’s labeled as ‘overcompensating’, meaning he is making up for having a small…gentleman’s sausage.

Whether it not that’s the case is irrelevant. The size of someone’s gentleman’s sausage is not proportionate to the kind of vehicle they drive, at least I don’t think so.

What I want to know is socially, what does it mean when someone downsizes, or under-compensates? Does that say something about there status in society because they have gone from larger to smaller? Is that person respected less? Does that man have a small…wiener?

Sometimes a person realizes that in some cases, bigger isn’t always better.

Larger shoes cost more.

Larger cars don’t fit in the garage.

Larger butts don’t fit in the seats at the movies, or in the bathroom stall.

Bigger televisions are pixelated if you sit too close.

Bigger means heavier and more expensive to buy and maintain.

There comes a time when a body realizes that you can do the same, but with less.
For example, I sold my Ford F150 with V8 engine (oh yeah!) and bought a Mazda Miata. I used my truck to drive to work 40 miles each way. After a year of filling up the truck with gas, I figured I could save some dough if I got a smaller car.

The Miata happens to be fun to drive, has a 6 speed manual transmission, and is rear-wheel drive. It has a lot going for it. It’s a cool car!

Except I’m a little over 6 foot tall. And people, co-workers especially, laugh at me getting in and out of the car. Clowns are surprised when only one person gets out of the car. Asians laugh and take pictures of me in the car and send them back to their homeland. Maybe they know someone that works for Mazda…

Urban Tactical Bargain Hunting

It started like any other trip to the grocery store, but it quickly turned out to be anything but ordinary.

The call came in 10 minutes into my excursion.  What was to be a quick trip for a couple items turned into a delicate mission…

The phone rang at 0913.  It was Number 1:

“A change in plans 006.  Rumor has it the large shop-a-torium that you are shopping at has better prices when items are purchased in bulk.

Your mission: Gather intelligence for analysis at a later time. And 006, don’t get caught!”

Ok, so maybe Number 1 was my wife and maybe I wasn’t on a “mission”, but I did need to compare prices between grocery stores, but that can be boring.  I had to make it more exciting, which led to Urban Tactical Bargain Hunting, or UTBH for short.

And it started…

Luckily I was already inserted between the dog food and motor oil; the older women that frequent the warehouse this time of day would stay away from this part of the store.  The dog food is too heavy for their frail bones and Granny isn’t changing her own oil.

My attire consisted of black tactical pants and boots.  A gray tactical uniform shirt (everything is tactical) would not bring attention to me whilst I crept through the aisles, but I needed more camouflage.  A potted plant from the garden center strapped to my head would hide my melon when seen above the shelving.  I needed to hide my face…there!  A leaking pallet jack.  I quickly smeared the oil under my eyes and made a tiger pattern on my face.  My equipment included my spy camera disguised as a smart phone and a shopping cart to further blend in.

I was now ready to stalk the best deals, I mean, recon.

I started with the less populated area of the store, snapping a few quick pictures of paper towels and toilet paper.  You always want to buy TP in bulk when you have a house full of women, or guys that eat a lot of sausage.  I quickly moved on to the bottled  drinks, spaghetti sauce, and Mac and Cheese.  A brief detour was made at the baking supplies, which would come into play soon, since the holidays were approaching.

As I was making my way through the frozen foods, a guard disguised as an employee noticed me snapping pictures.  I waited until he walked around behind the frozen chicken.  I tip-toed like a ninja, climbed on top of a Dr Pepper display (2 for $5, limit 2), flew through the air and snapped his neck with my legs wrapped around his head, to prevent him from sounding the alarm.  I hid his body behind the clearance rack.

By ‘snap his neck’, I mean ‘said good morning’ and by ‘hid his body’, I really mean ‘I just kept walking’.

A few more minutes and I had gathered all the intel I needed.  I needed a way out, but how?  I was feeling ballsy.   I was going to walk right out of the front door!

But there was a problem, a sentry stood guard at the exit checking receipts!  I had to think of something.

“Excuse me sir, do you have a receipt for that plant on your head?”

Of course not!  I didn’t need a ficus.  It would just die at my house anyway.  But I had to think of something, and fast!

I started to run out of the store, but the old sentry gave chase.  I had to lose him but how?.  I had already killed one person (not really), I didn’t want to kill again if I didn’t have to.  And this was supposed to be a covert recon mission; I had blown my cover!

So I did the only thing I could: I ran, leaving the plant, and dropping a handful of lottery tickets and BINGO cards I keep just in case I have to lose an elderly person.

It worked! He stopped chasing me to work the scratch-offs.  You cant win if you don’t play…

I quickly ran to the evac point (parking lot) and jumped in the Extrication Vehicle (car) and made for the highway, stopping long enough to upload the intel I gathered.

That was a close one.

Just another day In Urban Tactical Bargain Hunting.

Professional Waiting….

I learned at an early age to wait, so now I’m a professional waiter. With a little focus, and sometimes a little less focus, you too can be a waiter.

Patience

You have to have patience: and incredible amount of patience, the ability to sit in one place and not do anything for hours without losing your mind or choking someone’s kids. You have to be able to leave your mind, kinda like an out-of-body experience, and lose yourself in nothingness, because you’ll have plenty of that when you’re waiting.

Take off your watch and put it in your pocket. You don’t need it when waiting, it’ll just make things worse. Find the clock and sit underneath it so you can’t see it.

Read

Are there brochures or pamphlets? They aren’t there to look pretty, they are there to disseminate information, to give husbands something to read, and kids something to write on. There might be some magazines around but you can’t rely on those. With any luck you’ll find an old Field and Stream or Hot Rod Magazine, but most likely all they will have in the waiting room are some Better Homes and Gardens (full of ads, btw) or Lady’s Home Journal. With the advent of the ebook you can conveniently carry a book anywhere so always have one in your pocket.

Grab some pocket change on the way out of the house or maybe you have some in your car. Sometimes there will be vending machines around.

Look

There is plenty to look at, at least to keep your interest of a few minutes. Watching people is some of the best watching you can do, especially if you are close to a Walmart.

I am not big on fashion but some of the stuff people wear puzzle me. Back in the 50’s people would wear suits when traveling. My grandmother used to wear her Sunday’s best when going to town and to the doctor. Who would have thought that the wife-beater and house shoes would be fashionable? I don’t see curlers much anymore, not with the Chi being so popular.

Sometimes there might be a tv where you are waiting but take caution if it is the middle of the afternoon. The popular programming at this time of day is usually ‘Who is my baby daddy’ on Maury or Judge Joe Brown. You might be better watching the cricket in the corner; maybe he can turn himself over?

Sleep

You have to be able to sleep for the marathon waits. The ability to sleep anywhere at anytime is a crucial part of being a man. Women don’t have this ability and they hate men for having this skill. A nap could last 3-5 minutes waiting for the wife to try on clothes, to a couple hours if you are waiting for movie or concert tickets. So go ahead and nod off; you need your rest to wait some more.

iPhone

I put this last. A smartphone is a cop out, really, especially when it comes to professional waiting. Anyone can wait with Angry Birds and Facebook. It takes real commitment to sit for six hours or more at a hospital ER without the luxury of a Twitter feed. But hey, if you have it, why not use it? Make sure you charged it if you know ahead of time you will be waiting. Just keep in mind it’s a crutch and you cannot promote from Advanced to Professional Waiter by chopping virtual vegetables with your finger.

If all else fails, stand up and stretch. Walk around. Talk to someone, maybe you can make a connection. Go to the bathroom and wash your face. Or you could always just stare people down and guess who isn’t wearing a bra.

Whatever you do, don’t get in a hurry; you’re gonna be here a while.

Home Improvement My Ass!

Lies. If you tell enough of them you start to believe them as truth.

They are all over, abundant in our daily lives. Photoshopped magazines make teen girls believe that they can be pretty by using this lip gloss. Late night commercials tantalize you with the promise of flatter abs, more hair, or a larger gentleman’s sausage.

There is a lie that is promoted with broadcast from an entire television network, the lie that you can ‘Do It Yourself’.

No three words have been less true. Sure, painting may transform a room, especially when you get paint on the floor, furniture, and cat in the process. You won’t recognize the place.

Twenty four hours a day, programming is streamed across time and space with ideas of chic, hip ideas to transform your ‘space’. They say ‘space’ a lot.

If you decide to repave the driveway because a blonde on tv did it herself in 17 minutes (not counting commercials) you are a dumbass, and you are going to need supplies. You get supplies at the home improvement warehouse. Look at this place as a joke shop for wives. They use this place to pull pranks on husbands.

So, you have a project and you buy supplies. Be prepared to go back for something. You will always go back for something. Let me day this again so even the slow readers get it, and for emphasis. Ahem:

YOU WILL ALWAYS GO BACK FOR SOMETHING!

There is a ratio for how long the project should take. For every hour budgeted for a project, add 3 trips to the hardware store. Think it’ll take less than an hour? Three trips minimum.

The same applies to time allotted. Add 2 hours for every hour budgeted. Gonna take 1 hour for that storm door? Now it’ll take 3. And don’t forget your trips. Three hours times factor of three, gets you nine trips to the hardware store.

You are going to be there so much you might as well clock in. You know where everything is in the store by now. And by the time the project is over, you’ll know everything there is to know about Debbie’s 3 grandkids and her son being deployed, and how her daughter-in-law has a mole on her leg that looks like Elvis.

So while you’re driving back and forth, there isn’t any work getting done. You have nothing to show for your troubles except a bunch of receipts, no money, and a toilet that still doesn’t flush. And your wife wants to know how much longer; the kids have to pee.

Television networks should be held more accountable for their programming. There should be warnings at the beginning of every show and when returning from breaks. Maybe something like this:

This project is being completed by professionals. At no time should you try this project by yourself. The host of the show has airbrushed calluses on his hands, goes to a tanning bed, and has no idea WTF he/she is doing, they are just reading a script. Failure to heed this warning will leave you broke and alone. Enjoy the show.

Finally, a little truth!

Sorry Kid

Bedroom Battle

South-Central Dormitory

June 4, 2012

The site of a very recent battle has been stumbled upon by inhabitants of a neighboring dormitory. Residents say the destruction is nothing they have ever seen before.

All over the valley floor, overshadowed by the Bed and Crib Mountains, lays a testament to the fierce battle that was waged here presumedly between The Children Group and the Toy Faction. However, new information has shed new light on this old conflict.

The valley floor is littered with Lego and My Little Pony-Comb land mines, poised to take the foot off an unsuspecting parent. Foot vs Lego mine is a pain which no one would wish on their worst enemy, although such tactics have been used here on a regular basis.

The carnage is further punctuated as evidenced by the naked bodies of women and children. One nude body appears to be that of Barbie, who went missing from her Malibu beach home last month. A burned out shell of her Corvette was found in the nearby Living Room Canyon next to the bookshelf.

The Dresser Plateau is littered with propaganda airdropped by both groups before the fighting commenced, trying to convince natives that ‘A’ is in fact followed by ‘B’ and ‘C’, respectfully. Other evidence includes a wanted poster for one ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ and the corpse of a tiger that natives call ‘Tigger’.

It is hard to imagine that such a place with beautiful geography such as this would be scarred with the horrors of war. It is unclear if a truce between The Children and Toys will ever be agreed to. Residents of surrounding dormitories agree that the Toys need to be put in there place by the Children, but such efforts have remained a dream at best.

The Treaty of Swimming Pool was broken by the Children, when they refused to exile the Toys to the internment camp known as the ‘Toy Box.’. Enforcement of the treaty was met with adamant resistance with the last-ditch protest known as Tantrum. It goes without saying that Treaty of Swimming Pool was broken by the Children, and no one got wet that day.

Seeing the perfect opportunity to retaliate, the Toys have increased their numbers during the Birthday Offensive, multiplying their ranks two-fold. Toys received reinforcements from their allies to the west, known locally as ‘Grandparents’.

So what appeared to be a struggle between the Children and Toys revealed itself to be a battle between Parents and the South-Central dormitory. Evidence of the recent battle would suggest that the conflict is far from over, and hostilities may continue for another 17 years at least.

Judge a book

Judge a book by its cover.

You’re not supposed to do that, your mama told you so. But we are judged everyday through actions, appearance, and words. Some people are judged by their race and I am not talking about race or sex here. I’m not talking about something you have no control over. I’m talking about the things you can help, like being a dick.

I work in public service and in dealing with the public, I have learned to read people pretty well. When I’m wrong, it’s refreshing. Then I take those cues and use them when dealing with other people.

Some philosopher said it pretty good when he said that people in general, are pretty much good. There is more to the quote but I don’t remember it. The point is though, no matter what people look like, they are good until they prove you otherwise.

It’s when they open their mouth that they will do so.

Communicating with other humans can be analyzed more by tone than the size of the word. I could use big words throughout this rant if I wanted but few would understand me. Take your audience into account. I’m not trying to communicate with lawyers, I’m trying to communicate with real people. If I were to use a big word that meant something nice, it wouldn’t matter of I was talking down to the person. In other words, being a dick.

Actions also define a person. Dicks love to talk about what they used to do, or gonna do or what they have. They don’t want to know about what you or anyone else has going on. Maybe you just had a baby, they whip out their pictures of their kids. Did you get a new car? They got a better deal on their Toyota, which gets better mileage than yours. Did you cook a badass steak? They are vegetarians cause it’s healthier. Did you carry the Olympic torch? So did their uncle, except he lost his arms in the war and had to carry it in his teeth. Dicks are all talk and no action. Do you have family you haven’t seen in a while tell you to ‘Come over and see us some time’? Boy they’d shit if you did!

In short, take heed with what your mama taught you about ‘judging a book by its cover’. It can get you in trouble so it’s best to use caution. But for me, if you look like a dick, talk and act like a dick, I’m gonna treat you like a dick until you prove me otherwise. I love to be proven wrong, but I rarely am.

Not Included

It would be an easy assumption to say that the home improvement industry has really taken off in the last 15-20 years. I don’t have the figures in front of me but I’d have to say that sales have exploded with the expansion of the Lowes and Home Depot empires.

I remember when the Lowes opened up in my hometown. There was a parade and kids were let out of school early. The tv went to a test pattern, women put on their Sunday dress, men put on a suit, and we all went down to the grand opening. It was hard to find a place to park; the Ferris Wheel and elephant ride took up a lot of room. There was a man eating fire and a woman with a beard. We sure got excited about home improvement.

And why wouldn’t we? There are channels like HGTV and DIY that make you think you can actually do it yourself, just like Food Network makes you think you can cook. Besides, all you need…is a kit!

There is a kit for everything! It’s wonderful!

You want storm doors? Kit!

Hanging pictures? Kit!

Resurfacing kitchen cabinets? Kit!

Repaving the driveway? Kit! Kit! Kit!

You can do anything with a kit. BUT, you have to read. No, really read. Open the box and read the instructions and count the contents. When you don’t, when you get home, you will find out that your precious kit does not come with everything you need. The bracket, mount, spacer, hardware, tools, batteries are not included. You will drive yourself nucking futs counting and throwing paper looking for what wasn’t there to begin with.

Then starts the walk-of-shame back into the store, in front of that 18 year old jock that took your money just 25 minutes ago. They say ‘Thank You’ sometimes, but what they really mean is ‘See you later’.

Examples? Ok.

Go buy a washer and dryer and a little guy will put two large boxes in your truck that you paid two thousand dollars(!) for. Go home, unload, hurt your back, and open the washer box. Inside you’ll find the manual, warranty information, sample detergent, two hoses for water, and the electrical cord. Install and repeat with dryer? Nope.

With the dryer, that’s all you get is the dryer. There is not an accordion vent tube that comes with it, not included. There isn’t even a power cord to plug the damn thing up with, not included. Sold separately. ‘See you later…’

Or if you want to improve you living room, you might do so by adding a flat screen tv and 3D BluRay player (oh yeah!). Electronic stores love to have bundles, or packages with everything you need; another kit. Give the store thousands of dollars, take it home, open the box, and now you’re watching movies right?

Not exactly. Do you want to hook you DVD player to the tv? The cord is, ahem…NOT INCLUDED! Try your old cables and no dice, they won’t work. You were supposed to buy the $800 cable developed on the space station to connect your equipment. So now it’s back to the electronics store.

Two days ago I bought a floodlight for my backyard. The idea was to remove the small porch light and replace it with the brighter, more powerful flood light. There was a demo mounted on the wall in the store. There was a picture of the same light in the front of the box. So I bough it and took it home to install. What I found when I opened the box surprised me.

There was half a light in the box. It wasn’t even complete. There was a picture of the light on the box and that’s all they gave me. Why is it not complete? That’s like buying a taco but the tortilla is separate.

So I drove 15 minutes back to the store for my walk of shame. I go back to the lights looking for the parts that didn’t make it into the box. Frustrated, I had to ask for help. Was it right in front of me? Not a chance. It was three aisles away! This kit was doomed from the start.

‘But you said yourself you should have read’. And I did read the box, but the instructions were in Spanish, Danish, Yiddish, and Cantonese. English instructions were not included.

Speaks for itself